How to look like a Yoga goddess while saving time and money!

Face it.  No one really wants to see you twist around like a pretzel. And your new man just wants to imagine you doing it, (he wouldn’t know what to do with you like that anyway).  Besides, what use does prolonged single-foot balancing offer?  Exactly.  But what every woman wants, or should want, is the fashion and calmness that every true Yoga Goddess seems to exhibit.  But what you will have is more time, from not having to go to those silly yoga classes three or four times a week.  You will also have more money to spend on your yoga wardrobe, because you haven’t spent it on actually attending those aforementioned silly yoga classes.

Fashion and figure:  If you happen to recall the polar-fleece flop of the 1990s and worse yet the sweat pant sag of the 1980s then you will be relieved to learn of the Yoga revolution of the new millennium.  You won’t have to endure heavy cotton, nor sweaty synthetic.  You can now adorn you bod in organic sweat-wicking microfiber that hugs your hips just where you want.  Everyone will be able to enjoy your every curve and dimple.  Those of you who may have curves that resemble lumps of cottage cheese that stubbornly show up through even the thickest layer of Lululemon should not worry.  This is nothing a friendly liposuction can’t cure.  You don’t even need to be worried about the expense of such a minor procedure.  Think of the results you are after:  Yoga Goddess.  That is what the guys will think of you—the calm slim curvy new you.  If you calculate the financial savings from  not attending any yoga or fitness classes for the past two years, and project that same savings a decade into the future, add into the two extended Indian Ashram stays that you will forego, then the money is there for your every cosmetic augmentation need.

Calmness:  The inner beauty is the key to becoming an unforgettable Yoga goddess.  Remember gals, pharmaceuticals are your friend.  Ask for Quaaludes.  They may sound outdated, but they are not to be overlooked.  If they don’t work, then ask for good old mama’s litter helper, Diazepam , aka Valium.  If you don’t actually suffer from anxiety and aren’t on an anti-depressant, then these little boosts to your general glow of tranquility will turn you into a convincing yogi.  Then in order to remove any evidence of your old stressed you, there is Botox.  Forget the fact that even Hollywood glamour gals have turned their backs on this once staple beauty fixer.  Since the look you’re after is one of serenity, a few well placed injections will erase your furrow of unease and give you the face of grace.

There is no need to admit to not actually doing Yoga to your new lover.  When he thinks you are going to your yoga classes, just take your yoga mat from the closet, tuck it under your arm and head to the nearest cafe for an hour and a half of you-time.  Read the paper, sip skinny-double lattes, and think of the bucks you are saving and the bod you and your beau are enjoying.  Sis, remember you are a Yoga Goddess, you’ve earned every bit of your title.  Well done.

4 responses to “How to look like a Yoga goddess while saving time and money!

  1. lorriemiller

    In real life, as opposed to my satirical life, I began my mornings this past week on a remote coastal rainforest beach, leading my family (hubby and children) in sun salutations! Bliss, and then cooked up another pot of cowboy campfire coffee, and listened to the tide roll in….

  2. Hey Lorrie, this cracks me up! Just found your blog via hipmama.com. Count me as a new reader! ciao.

  3. Jane Edmonds

    ahahahaha – roared with laughter re slipping the mat under the arm and heading out. Thank you so much for this. I’m off to pick up my hemmed lululemons.

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